Doormat
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Harley Quinn becomes jealous of another woman in the Joker's life, and overcompensates by becoming even more of a doormat than usual to keep him with her. Joker uses Harley's jealousy to his advantage, until Harley figures out that's just what he's doing, and turns the tables on him by playing him at his own game...
1. Chapter 1

**Doormat**

"Here's your mail call, everyone," announced Dr. Joan Leland, head doctor of Arkham Asylum, as she made her way down the cell block. "Not much today – gardening magazine for Ivy, creepy doll magazine for the Ventriloquist…"

"It's for me," piped up Scarface. "Plastic dames are my kinda eye candy. Just because I'm made of wood don't mean I can't get wood, capiche?"

"O…K," said Dr. Leland, slowly, handing him the magazine. "There's my disturbing thought for the day. Jervis, small package for you," she said, handing a small parcel through the bars of Jervis Tetch's cell.

"Tetchy's used to that by now, judging from his boyfriend," chuckled the Joker from the neighboring cell.

"For the last time, I'm not his boyfriend!" shouted Jonathan Crane from the opposite cell.

"And what makes you think I'm talking about you?" asked Joker, smiling. "Got a small package yourself, do ya, Johnny?"

"I'm not going to dignify that with a response," snapped Crane, returning to his book.

"I've seen him in the shower – he does," said Joker.

"It's my imported tea!" exclaimed Tetch, happily ripping open the parcel. "Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Jonathan, you simply must taste this – we must have a tea party later!"

"And you can guess what that's a euphemism for!" chuckled Joker.

"I've known Jervis a lotta years – trust me, it's not a euphemism," said Dr. Leland. "He's actually intending to have a real tea party later. And last but not least, Joker, you have a large package," she said, stopping in front of his cell and holding out a box.

"I sure do, Doc!" chuckled the Joker. "You can ask Harley – it's really impressive!"

"Three penis jokes in the space of five minutes," muttered Poison Ivy, flipping through her magazine. "And people wonder why I hate men."

Dr. Leland didn't respond, except to sigh and mutter, "Yeah, that's an image I didn't want before my lunch of foot-long hot dogs, thanks, Joker."

"Well, it is about that long, but it's thicker than a hot dog," said Joker, nodding. "Also unnaturally white, because, y'know, my whole body is because of the accident thing. It wouldn't be an appropriate analogy unless you were eating like a massive bratwurst or something."

Dr. Leland just looked at him. "You have a large package," she repeated, ignoring him. "We've scanned it to make sure it's nothing that can be used as a weapon…"

"Not like my package, then!" chuckled Joker. "That's my secret weapon!"

Dr. Leland sighed again, handing him the package. "Just take it and shut up!" she snapped.

"Also what I say when I give Harley my package!" giggled Joker.

Dr. Leland shuddered, then left the cell block, muttering, "I know I'm a psychiatrist and all, but I think I've heard enough about penises for one day. Freud's probably turning in his grave at that statement, but I don't care."

"You know, she really could have just stopped all the jokes by calling this a parcel," said Joker, shrugging. "I think she subconsciously wanted to hear about my penis, just like a shrink!" he giggled. "Now, who's sent me a present?" he asked, unboxing the item. There was a note on top.

 _Dear Joker,_

 _I hope this finds you well. I know you're expecting a letter from me, but I thought I'd send this separately. You probably don't remember, but eleven years ago today I wrote you my first letter that started off our correspondence. I just wanted to get you an anniversary gift to celebrate after rekindling our contact last year. I hope you'll think of me when you use this, and I hope to see you soon!_

 _Your friend,_

 _Janey._

"Aw, it's from my pen pal!" exclaimed Joker. "Little Janey Bennett! Aw, she's a doll," he said, beaming as he opened the box to reveal an ice cream maker. "And she remembers how much I love ice cream! What a great kid! This is the most thoughtful gift anyone's ever given me, certainly a lot more thoughtful than Harley's ridiculous attempts at gifts for anniversaries and holidays. Like that inscribed cane she got me one year. Or that naked portrait of her she thought I'd enjoy."

"I'll have you know, I slaved over that portrait," said Tetch, who was laying out his tea set. "I am not in the habit of painting naked women, so it was quite a challenge for me."

"Yeah, painting ain't the only thing you're not in the habit of doing with naked women," retorted Joker. "Bet doing anything else with them would be quite a challenge for you too."

"Just for that, you're not invited to my tea party later," snapped Tetch. "So you won't get to experience the specialist blend I've ordered."

"And I'm sure my taste buds will never recover from missing out on your weird, fruity tea blend," sighed Joker.

"How dare you? I don't drink fruit tea!" snapped Tetch. "That's not even real tea! Honestly, I'm more insulted by that accusation than by the women joke!"

"Explains a lot," said Joker. "Anyway, if you're gonna be snotty about your tea stuff, I'm not letting you use my ice cream maker. I have to decide what flavor I should make first – there are so many options! Chocolate and vanilla and strawberry and neapolitan and butterscotch and cookies and cream and rocky road and mint chocolate chip and regular chocolate chip and…"

An explosion suddenly rocked the cell block, and when the smoke and dust cleared, Harley Quinn strode in from outside, kicking over the shattered shell of the jack-in-the-box she had used as a bomb.

"Hey, gang!" she called, pulling the lever that emergency released all the cell doors. "I'm here to bust you all outta this dump! But especially my puddin'!" she purred. "I missed him so much, being all alone in that big empty hideout without him!"

"Yeah, yeah, great, Harl," said Joker, not looking up from the ice cream maker. "I'll come with you in a minute, huh?"

"I think the guards will be here in a minute," said Harley, frowning. "I think we should probably get while the getting's good, Mr. J."

Joker sighed heavily. "All right," he said, gathering up the ice cream maker. "Carry this for me, will ya, sweets?" he asked, dumping it into her arms.

"What is it?" asked Harley, struggling to get a grip on it as they and everyone else in the cell block headed out through the hole in the wall to freedom.

"Ice cream maker," said Joker. "We can get it working back at the hideout and have sundaes."

"Oooh, I love sundaes!" exclaimed Harley, beaming. "Can I have a banana split?"

"If that's a euphemism, yes, you can!" chuckled Joker. "Also, if it's not a euphemism, yes, you can!"

Harley giggled, as Ivy sighed. "Four penis jokes in ten minutes," she muttered. "The sooner I'm away from men, the better."

"I'm a man, and I'm also sick of them," spoke up Crane.

"Cheer up, Jonathan – we'll be back home soon, and then we can continue with the tea party," said Tetch. "We can use my china set with the white rabbits on it, and the extra large teapot."

"Yes, I'll be looking forward to that very much, Jervis," sighed Crane. "And just for the record, the extra large teapot is not a euphemism," he added hastily to Ivy.

"Oh, I know you're not gay, Johnny," said Ivy. "I've had the cell next to yours before. I hear you talking in your sleep about Harley. You go, tiger."

Crane paled. "I do not talk in my sleep about Harley!" he hissed.

"Yes, you do – I can hear you from my room at the flat," agreed Tetch. "And she's right – if Joker heard any of what you said, he'd probably agree you weren't gay."

"Of course if Joker heard what you said, he'd also probably castrate you with a rusty spoon," agreed Ivy.

"If Joker heard what you said about what?" asked Joker, turning to them.

"Nothing," they all three said, hastily.

"Thanks for the breakout, Harley," said Ivy, changing the subject. "Sometimes when people come to bust one person out, they leave the rest of us locked in there."

"Aw, I couldn't treat my friends like that, Red!" exclaimed Harley, beaming at her. "You're all special to me! Of course nobody's as special as my puddin'!" she cooed, cuddling against Joker. "I'm a lucky gal to have such an adoring boyfriend, and such a great group of friends!"

"Lucky gal, huh?" muttered Ivy under her breath. "Just wait until she finds out who that ice cream maker is from."


	2. Chapter 2

"Mmm, that was a yummy banana split, puddin'!" sighed Harley, licking the chocolate sauce from her face. "And I mean both the ice cream and the other thing!" she giggled, curling up next to him as they snuggled in bed.

"Yeah, I've never had homemade ice cream before, but you can really tell the difference," said Joker. "I've gotta remember to write Janey a thank you note for the great gift."

Harley had been beaming at him in adoration, but her smile suddenly fell. "Janey?" she asked, casually.

"Oh, c'mon, you remember Janey Bennett," said Joker. "My pen pal? She visited Gotham last year."

"Yeah, I remember her," growled Harley. "Young, pretty, innocent little blonde girl who wanted to save you from your evil ways by guiding you toward the light in her pants."

"Now pooh, that's a very unfair assessment," said Joker, frowning. "It's true Janey had a little crush on me, but it was just puppy love. She didn't really want us to have a serious relationship – she's just idolized and adored me from a young age as her hero. Understandable when you think about it, and she did think about it, and came to the same conclusion. She's a shrink like you, remember?"

"Oh yeah, I remember that," muttered Harley. "Like a younger, more naïve, more annoying version of me, with all that 'You're my hero, Joker' stuff," she said, in a high-pitched, nasally voice.

"Janey doesn't sound like that," retorted Joker.

"Oh, now you remember what she sounds like, huh?" demanded Harley, sitting up suddenly.

"Of course I do – I just saw her last year," said Joker. "And it was real sweet of her to get me that ice cream maker for our anniversary. It's fun and functional, which makes it much better than any gift you ever got me."

Harley's eyes flashed. " _Our_ anniversary?" she repeated.

"Yeah, the anniversary of the day she first wrote to me," said Joker. "Eleven years ago. Now that I think about it, I guess that's the longest relationship I've ever had with a woman. Or anyone except Bats."

Harley was fuming, but Joker didn't seem to either notice, or care, or both. He stood up and headed back over to the ice cream maker with his bowl. "I'm gonna think of her every time I use it," he said, scooping out more ice cream. "She's such a peach."

Harley tried to control her temper. "Doncha think…I'm a peach too?" she pressed.

"Nah, you're a pie," he retorted. "A pumpkin pie. There's a difference, and right now, I'm in the mood for peach."

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Harley, standing up. "You saying you prefer her to me? We've just had sex, so that'll tide you over for a while, and now you're gonna dump me just like that for that dumb kid, huh? After all my years of love and adoration, just because some stupid doll bought you an ice cream maker?!"

He turned to look at her in confusion. "I'm just in the mood for peach ice cream," he said, nodding at the machine. "I don't know where all the rage has come from all of a sudden. And the paranoia – why do you think I'd dump you for Janey?"

"Oh, I dunno!" snapped Harley. "Maybe because you keep saying what a great gal she is, and won't shut up about the great gift she got you! You've never fawned over any of my gifts like that!"

"You've never got me any gifts worth fawning over," retorted Joker.

"What about the naked portrait of me?" demanded Harley.

"Why do you think that's a better gift than an ice cream maker?" asked Joker, puzzled. "I can't do anything with a naked portrait of you. It's not fun or functional – it just hangs there like a dead body in a meat locker. And you can't make ice cream with a naked portrait, so obviously this is the better gift. But if you really wanna make me happy, why doncha make yourself useful now? You could head out to the store and pick up some peaches so I can make peach ice cream. Doesn't that sound like fun, dollface?"

"No, it doesn't!" shouted Harley. "Jesus Christ, Mr. J, I break you outta Arkham, I cater to your every whim both in and out of bed, and what do I get in return?! You flaunt other women in my face and send me to the store for some goddamn fruit!"

"Fine, you don't have to go to the store," sighed Joker. "But Janey would do that for me," he muttered. "She really cares about me, enough to get me this ice cream maker, and enough to pop to the store and get me some peaches if I asked her to."

Harley glared at him, and then stormed over to pick up her clothes. "I'll get your goddamn peaches, and shove 'em where the sun don't shine," she muttered.

"Then we can't make ice cream outta 'em," retorted Joker. "Now stop acting like a spoiled brat, Harley. You have to trust me, and accept that I can be friends with another woman without it being a threat to our relationship. You're a shrink – you should be able to understand that."

"I understand that people are basically all selfish and manipulative, and they only get people of the opposite sex presents because they're hoping to bribe them into bed," snapped Harley. "That's what being a shrink has taught me! Heck, that's what being alive has taught me!"

"Well, I'm basically selfish and manipulative, but I don't get you presents," replied Joker.

"That's because you don't have to bribe me into bed!" snapped Harley. "Because you're a sex god, and I'm never gonna say no if you're in the mood, because you so rarely are, and I gotta take advantage of your huge package when I have the chance!"

"Oooh, be sure to tell Dr. Leland that thing about my huge package when you see her next!" chuckled Joker. "I told her I had one, but she thought I was joking!"

"You know, most relationships aren't like ours!" continued Harley, ignoring him. "Most relationships are equal, not one guy who's fairly apathetic about his relationship, and his girlfriend who's so crazy about him that she'll do anything in the world for him, including busting him outta a mental asylum and fighting a guy in a bat costume for him!"

"That's right – because you're special, pooh!" said Joker, patting her on the head. "Now go get me those peaches so I can make some more ice cream using Janey's present. Gosh, that gal is just the greatest!" he sighed.

Harley glared at him. "I should break that goddamn ice cream maker, and then your face," she muttered, heading for the door. "But I gotta get those peaches first."


	3. Chapter 3

"Before we start our Batman-killing meeting, guys, I just wanted to see if anyone wanted any homemade peach ice cream," said the Joker, gesturing to the ice cream maker he had proudly displayed on the table.

Two-Face looked from the machine to Joker. "What's the catch?" he asked. "Is it poisoned?"

"If by poisoned, you mean the best ice cream you've ever tasted that will ruin all other store bought ice cream for you forever, then yes, it's poisoned," replied Joker.

"I can't – I'm watching my weight," said Scarface. "Don't wanna pile on the pounds – the dames don't like chubby."

Joker, Two-Face, and Penguin all stared at him blankly. "Well, I'm most certainly not watching my weight," said Penguin. "I will gladly partake of this frozen, peachy treat."

"All right – prepare to be amazed!" exclaimed Joker, scooping out the ice cream and handing him a bowl. "Now isn't that just mind-blowingly good?"

"Oh yes, decidedly so," said Penguin, after having a spoonful. "Harvey, you must try it."

"I'm gonna wait ten minutes, and if you don't fall to the ground and start coughing up blood while foaming at the mouth, I'll have some," said Two-Face. "After I check with the coin, of course."

"Harvey, please," sighed Joker. "We all know if I was gonna poison someone, they'd die laughing while foaming at the mouth, not coughing up blood. Plus what kinda joke is there in poisoning delicious, homemade peach ice cream? You really need to work on that paranoia complex you have – it's the reason you don't have any friends. Well, that, and the sight of your face makes most people retch."

"Pot to the kettle," muttered Two-Face. "Anyway, nobody in this room is what anyone might call objectively good-looking."

"Speak for yourself, Harvey!" chuckled Joker. "That ice cream maker is a gift from a pretty little blonde who tried to kiss me last time we met."

"Why wouldn't Harley try to kiss you when you meet? She's your girlfriend," retorted Two-Face. "And she's always all over you."

"Not Harley," snapped Joker. "That's my point – more than one pretty little blonde finds me attractive."

"I got a blonde who's interested," spoke up Scarface. "Don't tell this dork, but I'm thinking of replacing him with her," he said, gesturing at the Ventriloquist. "You should see her – not a man alive who'd object to having her hand up your pants."

"Scars, I hate to break it to you, but you're a puppet," retorted Joker.

"I'm a dummy," retorted Scarface. "And you don't need to have brains to get dolls, as long as you got charm and confidence."

"Yeah, somehow I don't think Pinocchio fetish is a thing, but nice try," said Two-Face.

"Hey, if clown fetish is a thing, you never know," retorted Scarface.

"It's not a clown fetish – it's my God given good looks, prominent cheekbones, and cheery smile," said Joker. "You know, sense of humor is the one quality most women look for in a significant other, which is why the Bat can't keep a dame. Well, that and he always ignores her in favor of chasing after criminals. I kinda wish he'd find a nice girl, though – I do worry about him."

"Perhaps this latest scheme of ours will solve his women troubles by killing him," said Penguin, dryly. "And then he won't have to worry about women, or anything else, ever again. Speaking of which…"

"Right, right, I get the hint – we'll start the meeting," said Joker. "Harv, last chance for ice cream before we begin."

Two-Face reached for his coin and flipped it onto the table. It landed good side up. "All right," muttered Two-Face.

"While we're at it, we should get some beers in here," said Joker. "Harley!" he shouted. "Bring some beers for the guys! Oh, and bring them in dressed in the French maid costume you got, huh?"

"I ain't doing that, puddin'!" shouted back Harley. "I'm still mad at you! You get your own drinks! And if you wanna serve them in a French maid costume, why doncha wear it yourself?!"

Joker grinned. "Watch this," he said, winking at the guys. "Y'know, I bet Janey would get me and my friends and colleagues some drinks," he sighed loudly. "And I bet she'd wear whatever I want her to. Because her feelings for me are unconditional. It doesn't matter if we haven't seen each other in awhile, or if I can't return her affection because I'm with another woman – she still cares about me enough to put my needs before her own. That's real love."

Harley didn't respond. "I might give Janey a call later, just to see how she's doing," continued Joker. "Last I heard, she was up for some award for psychiatry. Not surprising – she has such a gentle, understanding, compassionate nature that makes her just a naturally sympathetic person. For a guy like me, who experiences only violence from my friends and girlfriend, those kinda sensitive qualities are really exotic and appealing. Harley used to be like that back when she was my shrink, but ever since she's had her clown cake and eaten it, she's become a lot more self-centered. Besides, that was a good eight years ago – Harley's getting up there now, if you know what I mean. Probably wouldn't even suit a French maid outfit anymore. Not like Janey – that kid is so young and pretty, she could be a model for any outfit she wanted. A woman of her looks and sweetness could really be good for a guy like me in the long run. Could maybe be the best thing that ever happened to me, if I gave her a chance."

"What on earth are you doing?" demanded Penguin.

"Asking to get your jaw broken," said Two-Face.

Joker chuckled. "You guys clearly know nothing about feminine psychology. I've always thought the female mind kinda a mysterious, random, completely insane thing, but I've cracked the code now. They're all fiercely competitive and jealous of each other, all the time. You pit one against the other, and you can make 'em do anything you want. Observe," he said, gesturing to the door.

A few moments later, Harley entered the room, dressed in the French maid outfit, and carrying a tray of beers. "Who wants brewskies?" she asked, forcing a smile. "And here's yours, puddin', nice and cold, just how you like it," she purred, handing Joker his beer and kissing him tenderly. "You let me know if you need anything else, and Maid Harley will come running _tout suite_. That's French, y'know. Bet Janey don't speak French, the little brat," she muttered under her breath as she left.

"Actually, Janey minored in French at college," called Joker after her.

"Son of a bitch!" exclaimed Harley, followed by a steady stream of swear words until the door slammed shut.

All the men stared after her. "I don't understand," said Penguin, puzzled. "Why didn't she beat you into a bloody pulp?"

Joker giggled, cracking open his beer. "I told you. When you pit women against each other, it's never the man's fault. He reaps all the benefits of their constant insecurity and jealousy. And when women think their man is interested in another woman, rather than just beating him into submission, they try and one-up the other dame to prove themselves the better girlfriend instead. It's fantastic."

"I don't think that would work with Pammie," said Two-Face, eating a spoonful of ice cream.

"Try it," said Joker, shrugging. "Pretend to have an interest in Catwoman or someone. I guarantee the friendship between Pammie and Kitty will be over in a second, and you'll suddenly be the most desired man in the world, maybe by the both of 'em. Nothing makes a man more desirable than seeing another woman all over him. I think that's partially why all the dames throw themselves at me all the time. They see the way Harley fawns over me, and figure I must be something pretty special. And they're right, of course," he chuckled.

He took a sip from his beer. "I really wish I'd thought of this earlier – there's so much crap I could've made Harley do for me."

"She already does everything for you," pointed out Penguin.

"Yeah, but she gets her rewards for that," said Joker, shrugging. "I sometimes do nice things for her in return. But now I don't even have to be nice to her if I don't want to. I just have to keep talking about Janey, and I can treat Harley however the hell I want, with no repercussions!"

"You actually got any romantic interest in this Janey kid?" asked Scarface.

"Nope," retorted Joker, chuckling. "But Harley doesn't have to know that, now does she? If I can keep her thinking I'm about to leave her for Janey, it keeps her guessing and insecure and overcompensating in perpetual slavery to my every whim. Everybody wins!"

"This is really good ice cream, J," said Two-Face. "Is there any left over?"

"Nah, sorry, Harv, all out," said Joker, glancing at the machine. "But hang on a second. Harley!" he called. "Can you be a lamb and get me some more peaches from the store so we can make more ice cream with Janey's incredibly thoughtful gift? You know, that girl gets me in a way nobody else in my life ever has," he sighed. "She understands me on some deeply personal level, like a kindred spirit, or a soulmate. Maybe it was destiny that she wrote to me, like we were always meant to be, like some kinda great, true love story."

"Ok, puddin', I'm off to the supermarket!" called back Harley. "I'll pick you up a buncha candy too, and on the way home, I'll stop off for milkshakes! The Chucky Charlie's next to the store has fifty different flavors to try – I'll get you one of each!"

They heard the door slam, and then Two-Face slapped Joker on the back. "You dog!" he laughed.

"Yeah, way to go, J!" said Scarface. "I'm gonna try it with my prospective dame – see if I can't get things cooking a little. In the metaphorical sense, of course – I don't like actual cooking because I'm highly flammable."

"I wonder if it would work for my female employees in the Iceberg Lounge," said Penguin, thoughtfully. "Pit them against each other so I won't have to raise their salaries."

"Worth a shot!" said Joker, chuckling as he sipped his beer. "Ah, women! Finally, you can live with 'em as well as live without 'em!"


	4. Chapter 4

Poison Ivy was watching a romantic comedy on television while snacking on a tub of ice cream. "Outdated stereotype of women needing a man to save them," she muttered, glaring at the female protagonist. "Offensive to women everywhere. And the man would be arrested if he tried stalking her like that in reality. Honestly, I wish escapist entertainment could reflect real life more accurately. I blame Hollywood for everything that's wrong with society. Well, Hollywood and men, who control Hollywood, just like the patriarchy controls everything."

She took another spoonful of ice cream. "And does the woman actually need to be wearing something that skimpy? It's just pathetic objectification of the female form by the male gaze. Like those abs, though," she murmured, gazing at the male protagonist who had just taken his shirt off. "That's right – work it, baby…"

There was a loud knocking on Ivy's door, startling her from her reverie. "Red!" shouted Harley Quinn. "You busy?"

"No," sighed Ivy, heading over to open the door. "Just picking faults in this ridiculous, so-called romantic comedy. I blame trash like this for situations like yours, Harley. This crap just encourages women to become dependent, pathetic nutcases like you. Just watching it makes me furious."

"Well, gee, Red, if you hate it so much, why do you watch it?" asked Harley, puzzled. "Why doncha save yourself the stress and just avoid it?"

"Because the guy in it is hot," retorted Ivy, gesturing at the screen. "And I wanted to watch something while snacking. Ice cream?" she asked, gesturing at the tub.

Harley's eyes narrowed. "No," she hissed. "I don't wanna ever see any ice cream ever again!"

"Woah, that sounds serious," said Ivy. "Did J do an unwise move involving ice cream in bed? I've been there – you think it's gonna be all sweet and romantic, and it's just nerve-numbingly cold so you can't feel anything down there for a good while. It's probably what Freeze's wife is going to have to deal with if she ever wakes up from her coma…"

"Nah, it's nothing he did in bed," said Harley. "Unfortunately. Stupid peach over pumpkin pie preference," she muttered, kicking out at a plant pot. She squeaked and leaped back when the plant retaliated, snapping its stem back at her.

"What?" asked Ivy, puzzled. "What peach? What are you talking about?"

Harley sighed heavily. "Mr. J's got this…friend. Who's a girl. But not his girlfriend, because that's me," she added, hastily. "But this girl met him when she was a kid, and he did a nice thing for her, so she's grown up thinking he's the greatest. I don't like competition, Red."

"I don't like the thought that anyone thinks the Joker is the greatest," retorted Ivy. "Let alone more than one person."

"This girl's similar to me in a lotta ways," said Harley. "Shrink, blonde, adores Mr. J. Anyway, they've stayed in touch – she's his pen pal, and they write each other letters a lot. Now I don't begrudge Mr. J having friends – I'm not the jealous, clingy type of girlfriend who won't let him have his own space or his own life."

"…sure you're not," said Ivy, slowly.

"But lately, Mr. J's been hinting that he'd…prefer to be with her," murmured Harley, with tears in her eyes. "And the thought of that just kills me, Red. It's unbearable, the idea that he'd leave me for another woman. So I've been…kinda desperate to keep him, doing really anything he asks of me, no matter how inconvenient, or however much I don't want to."

"Harley, you can't live like that," said Ivy, firmly. "I mean, I don't really know how that's different from how you normally live, but I don't see how you normally live like that either. Anyway, doing everything to please J won't make him stay if he wants to go. It's just debasing yourself, and he'll ultimately leave you anyway. Trust me, bending over backward for a man doesn't mean he'll stay with you long-term. I know that more than anyone. It just doesn't work. If it did, I'd be married to Jason Woodrue, and what a horrible fate that would be."

"But what am I gonna do, Red?" sobbed Harley. "I can't lose him! I just can't! And even if I just killed the girl, he'd resent me for that, and I can't hurt him like that if he truly wants to be with her! I love him, so…so if he wants to go, I'll respect that. But that doesn't mean I have to like it, or that it won't destroy me if he does."

"Baby, it won't destroy you," said Ivy, gently. "You're strong, and you're worth more than that clown. If he leaves, it'll be the best thing that ever happened to you in the long run, just like Jason leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to me. I could only see how much he was holding me back after I was free of him. He did me a favor, just like J leaving will be doing you a favor."

"No, Red, you're wrong," retorted Harley. "Before he came into my life…my life was always gray and miserable and rainy. He taught me to see colors, and to see rainbows in the rain. Without him, the world will go back to being that drab, gray place without color. There won't be any happiness in it. Not for me. I need him. He's my smile. He's what I get up for in the mornings. He's what I live for. People can still live without their smile, like the Bat, but I can't. I'm not stupid – I wouldn't have been through all the crap we've been through, all the fights and the pain, without knowing that what we have is something worth fighting for. He's worth all that. He's worth everything, because I love him."

"And see, this is the kind of crap I blame Hollywood for," sighed Ivy. "You don't need a man to be happy, Harley."

"No," agreed Harley. "I need Mr. J."

Ivy would have lectured her further, but her phone rang suddenly. "Just a second, Harley," she said, heading over to answer it. "Hello? Oh, hi, Harvey."

Harley sat down on the sofa to watch the movie, but her attention was diverted by watching Ivy's reaction to her telephone call. She had been continuing to snack on the ice cream as she listened, but suddenly she froze. "Oh. Is that so?" Ivy asked, in clearly a forced casual tone. "I see. Uh huh. Well, if that's your decision, it doesn't have anything to do with me. Why would I care? You're a grown man – you can date who you want, including that stray cat. I just hope you're ok with fleas, if you know what I'm saying. No, I didn't say that, but she has been with Batman, you know, and God only knows what he's got. I'm glad you're not threatened by that – I'm not sure, as a man, that I would want to compete with Batman romantically. Not just because I feared retaliation, but also because I'd be afraid of lacking physically…but hey, it's your life. Do what you want, and enjoy that catty bitch."

She slammed down the phone and sat back down on the sofa in a huff. "Problem?" asked Harley.

"It's nothing," snapped Ivy, shoveling more ice cream into her mouth. "Harvey's just…apparently interested in dating Selina. He doesn't need to ask my permission – we're not married. We're not even in a real relationship. I don't need him. I don't need any man. I hope he's very happy with that comparatively less attractive woman and all her horrible faults."

"I thought you and Selina were friends," said Harley.

"We were, until she decided to steal my man," snapped Ivy. "Not that Harvey's my man, but it still seems like a catty thing to do. But I should expect cattiness from a woman calling herself Catwoman, I guess."

She stood up. "You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go over to Harvey's right now wearing something skimpy and show him what he's missing out on if he chooses Selina. He's pretty crazy, but he's not that crazy. After spending an afternoon in bed with me, he'll change his mind. I'll see to it. Even if I have to cheat and use a double-sided coin to help him decide."

"I thought you just said bending over backward to please a man doesn't work," said Harley, puzzled.

"I'm not bending over backward to please him," retorted Ivy. "I'm just…going to make him reconsider his ridiculous decision. Choosing Selina over me – he's just not thinking straight," she muttered, heading toward her bedroom to change.

Harley was left alone with her thoughts. As far as she knew, Two-Face had never been interested in Catwoman before, so this decision kinda came out of the blue. It was weird for Two-Face too – he was always pretty keen on Ivy. Harley idly wondered why he had changed his mind all of a sudden.

She picked up the television remote and changed the channel from the romantic comedy to the news. "Our top story, the Iceberg Lounge, which has recently come under scrutiny for pay disputes among its employees, has been embroiled deeper in scandal, after its owner and proprietor, Oswald Cobblepot, reportedly tried to pit female employees against each other to distract them from their salary negotiations. Speaking in his defense, Mr. Cobblepot insists that he was the recipient of some bad and erroneous advice, and has assured his employees that their concerns will be addressed in a timely manner. Eight sexual discrimination suits have currently been filed against him."

"Huh," said Harley out loud, frowning. "Oswald's not usually the sexist type. I mean, he doesn't like women, as far as I know, but then he doesn't really like anyone. I dunno why he'd be singling out his female employees to pick on."

"And in other news, the criminal known as Scarface has reportedly been seen with a new Ventriloquist. Arnold Wesker, his former owner, was nowhere to be seen earlier today when Mr. Scarface stepped out with a new other half, a woman identified as Peyton Riley, but whom Scarface reportedly refers to as 'Sugar.' When asked about this change of companions, Mr. Scarface had only this to say."

The image flicked to a live feed of Scarface speaking, with an attractive blonde woman on his arm. Or rather, an attractive blonde woman's arm up him. "I just wanna thank my good friend, the Joker, for the great advice he gave me regarding dames and how to keep 'em in line. He also gave me this great-looking cigar, as well as this great-looking arm candy. Cheers, pally," he said, raising the cigar. Sugar lit this for him, and the cigar immediately exploded, sending both her and the surrounding reporters into a panic, as the footage cut off.

Harley stared at the screen, and suddenly it all clicked. Her depression instantly turned into hard, cold rage. "That rat bastard!" she shrieked. "They're all in it together!"

"Harley? What are you yelling about?" asked Ivy, who emerged from the bedroom half dressed.

"Put your clothes back on, Red – they're trying to scam us!" exclaimed Harley, pointing at the screen. "Penguin and Scarface both got some advice about women from Mr. J, because they were meeting with him the other day. Harvey was too. I bet Mr. J told 'em all about Janey, and how I was overreacting by being extra nice, and they're all trying to get in on that action with their respective women by making 'em jealous of each other! Mr. J doesn't want to leave me at all – he's just realized that when he says that, I go overboard trying to please him, and he's trying to take advantage of my all-consuming and obsessive love for him! I tell ya, that's low, even for that creep! I love him to death, but I'm gonna kill him!"

"That's the spirit, Harley!" said Ivy, happily. "Now you see how horrible and manipulative men can be!"

"Yeah, I do," agreed Harley. "And I'm so mad at the slimy rat, I could beat his face in! But that wouldn't teach him a lesson – it would probably just turn him on," she sighed. "But I do need to teach him a lesson about taking me for granted and treating me like crap, and for making me worry he was leaving me. Maybe by giving him a taste of his own medicine."

"Well, you know what they say, Harley," said Ivy. "Living well is the best revenge. And by living well, I mean on your own, as a free, independent woman, after having dumped the clown for using you like this."

"Nah, that ain't my style, Red," said Harley, shaking her head. "I ain't the type to just forget about him and move on with my life. The saying I like is, 'an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.'"

"But…that's about not getting revenge and just moving on with your life," said Ivy, confused.

"No, it's about blinding people!" snapped Harley. "It's an inspirational quote – you go out there and take as many eyes as possible, because then you'll be the only one in the whole world who can see, and they'll be wandering around blind like a buncha suckers! That's how Mr. J taught it to me anyway. Doesn't have to be literal blinding, of course, just getting revenge for the wrongs done you in a similar fashion to which they were first done. And I got a great idea for how to blind Mr. J. He'll never see it coming."


	5. Chapter 5

"Jervis, I'm thinking of changing my costume," announced Jonathan Crane over tea in their shared apartment.

"Oh yes?" asked Jervis Tetch, spreading cream onto a scone. "Any particular reason?"

"It's the straw," replied Crane, sipping his tea. "It's a fire hazard. One never knows when a random bomb will go off in Gotham, starting a conflagration, and I have been known to work with explosives myself. I'd just rather not have a highly flammable substance that close to my face – I don't want to end up looking like Harvey particularly."

"No, I don't imagine he'd appreciate you stealing his look," agreed Tetch. "But I understand the whole essence of the scarecrow aesthetic revolves around straw, so however are you going to have a costume without it?"

"I'm sure I'll think of something," said Crane. "I'm an intelligent man. Or I can ask Francois his opinion for a new design – the man has an excellent eye for both taste and practicality. Did you know he designed Catwoman's costume to actually be functional?"

"Was it not before?" asked Tetch.

"Apparently not," replied Crane. "She mentioned something about the leather chafing, and her breasts falling out when she needed to do any kind of physical activity. I'm honestly not sure why she chose that kind of costume in the first place."

"To catch the eye of a certain Bat, perhaps?" asked Tetch.

"Very likely," agreed Crane. "But she's also catching the eye of every piece of perverted scum out there. I wouldn't let my hypothetical daughter out of the house in that. Not that I'll ever have a daughter, let alone one whose sense of dress I'll have to censor," he sighed.

"Well, not by continually moping over Harley, that's for sure," agreed Tetch, drinking his tea.

"I don't continually mope over Harley," retorted Crane. "And even if I did, some of us shouldn't criticize others for moping around over a woman."

"My woman is Alice," replied Tetch. "The most perfect woman who ever lived. Yours is an insane groupie of a psychopathic clown. Don't get me wrong – I like Harley very much, but your situation is beyond hopeless, I'm afraid. She has eyes only for the Joker."

"God knows why," muttered Crane, buttering a piece of toast more forcefully than was probably necessary. "He treats her horribly."

"He must have something that appeals to Harley – she's not only stayed with him all these years, but continues to fawn over him," replied Tetch.

"Yes, because she's insane, as you say," agreed Crane.

"And you think you can cure her of her mad love?" asked Tetch. "It seems unlikely. For a woman to completely change her whole life so that her entire identity is based around the man she loves, her love must be fairly powerful. And whatever abuse the Joker gives her doesn't kill it, so it must only make it stronger. I'm all for believing in impossible things, Jonathan, but this is one impossible thing I'm sure has no possibility of even impossibly coming true."

"Well, the Mad Hatter is certainly known for his wisdom," said Crane, sarcastically.

A knock came on the door at that moment. "Oooh, visitors! Do invite them in for tea, and then it can be a real party!" exclaimed Tetch, excitedly.

Crane stood up. "As if I'm taking advice from a man who can't tell nonsense from reality," he muttered, opening the door. He beamed when he saw who the visitor was.

"Harley, my dear, what a very pleasant surprise!" he exclaimed. "To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?"

"I'm here to ask a favor, Johnny," said Harley, entering the room. "Kinda an awkward favor too, so I brought you a cake to butter you up," she said, holding out a box to him. "Don't worry – I didn't bake it, so you won't die of food poisoning or anything. Had the guys at the bakery decorate it with my specially written message," she said, as he took the box from her.

He opened it to reveal a cake with the following words in red frosting: _Thanks In Advance For Helping Me Get Revenge On My Creep Of A Boyfriend Who Doesn't Appreciate Any Of The Great Things His Girlfriend Does For Him And Who Just Uses Her And Takes Her For Granted Instead, The Big Jerk._

"I'm impressed they managed to get the whole message on the cake," commented Crane.

"Yeah, I gave 'em a good tip," agreed Harley, nodding.

"If I may ask, what revenge would you like me to help you get?" asked Crane.

"Not just you – you and Jervis," said Harley. "If you're both willing to help, of course. The cake's for both of you."

"And it will go perfectly with our tea," said Tetch. "Do come sit down, my dear, and have a cup, and we'll discuss the matter over tea like civilized people."

"Thanks, Jervis," said Harley, joining them at the table. "It's kinda a big ask, which is why I got the cake. Um…you boys might not be aware, but Mr. J's got this pen pal who's like a younger, more attractive version of me…"

"I'm certain that's not possible," interrupted Crane.

Harley smiled at him. "You're sweet, Johnny," she said, taking his hand. "Anyway, Mr. J's realized that if he talks up this girl to me like he's going to leave me for her, I overreact and do everything for him. He's manipulating my feelings in order to take advantage of me, and I want to make him pay for that."

"That seems fair enough, I suppose," commented Tetch, standing up to cut the cake. "But how can we help, my dear?"

"Well, you guys are the best male friends I have," said Harley. "So do you think you could…pretend you're romantically interested in me so I can flirt with you and make Mr. J jealous?"

"Yes," answered Crane instantly. "Yes, I can most certainly do that, my dear. Very, very happy to help."

"Do you think you can make him believe that you're really into me?" asked Harley. "I need him to think I'm going to leave him for one of you, like he tried to do to me."

"Yes," repeated Crane, with the same enthusiasm. "I'm quite sure I can. I'll definitely be able to do that."

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with anything like that," said Tetch, slowly. "After all, I wouldn't want people to think my heart was fickle when I have sworn loyalty to my Alice…"

"Jervis, if I might have a word," interrupted Crane, standing up and dragging Tetch into a corner. "Don't you dare ruin this for me!" he hissed. "You know how I feel about that girl! Even if this is as close as I'll ever come to actually being in a real relationship with her, I'm going to leap at the opportunity!"

"But I'm not comfortable with it," repeated Tetch. "Besides, the Joker will kill us the moment he feels threatened by any other man in Harley's affections. He's done that before."

"He can't kill both of us," retorted Crane.

"Oh yes, he can," retorted Tetch. "He's the Joker! I'm sorry if your delusional romance doesn't have you thinking straight, but this is a terrible idea, and I want no part of it when something goes wrong and the Joker tortures us horribly. I like Harley, as I've said, but not enough to go through agony for her."

"I would be honored to sacrifice myself in her aid," replied Crane.

"I wouldn't," retorted Tetch. "And I don't want people to think I'm inconstant in my affections toward Alice…"

"Oh, Alice, Alice, Alice!" snapped Crane. "That's all you ever think about! She's never going to love you in return, Jervis, so just stop obsessing over someone you can never have and start helping me with Harley!"

He stormed back over to the table. "We would be honored to help you, my dear," he said, smiling at her.

"Have you given any thought to our welfare when the Joker gets in one of his jealous rages, as he's sure to do?" asked Tetch.

"Of course I have," said Harley, nodding. "And it ain't just you two – Ivy's also asked Harvey to help out, as payback for him trying to take advantage of her feelings. I know you three can hold your own against Mr. J. I'm gonna let you have one of our old safehouses to hang out in until my revenge is complete. Mr. J won't think to look for you there. And any other time you encounter him, you'll be with me, and I can take him. After he's learned his lesson, I'll tell him you all weren't really interested in me, and he won't want to kill you anymore. Everybody wins."

"I'm not sure the Joker has such a forgiving nature as to overlook a plot to embarrass him," replied Tetch. "Surely he'll make us suffer some form of retribution for our assistance?"

"Trust me, Jervis, I can handle him," said Harley. "He thinks he can manipulate me, but I've got pretty good at manipulating him over the years too. Ivy's said she thinks I'm a doormat, but a doormat wouldn't be able to control him like I can. You'll see – this will all end ok."

"Possibly for you it will," agreed Tetch. "Though I honestly doubt the Joker will just forgive you for trying to humiliate him as well. I'm not a violent man generally, and in my view, violence can only beget more violence."

"Well, yeah," agreed Harley. "I gotta get the spark in my relationship back somehow, and violence is really the only way to do that with Mr. J. Don't worry, Jervis. I know what I'm doing."

"I certainly hope you do," murmured Tetch. "For all our sakes."


	6. Chapter 6

The Joker whistled to himself as he put the finishing touches on the scale diorama illustrating his upcoming battle with Batman. "Looking good – just think I need a few more macaroni pieces for the dismembered limbs."

He fished around in the bag by his arm as he blew on the glue which stuck the other macaroni pieces together. "Harley!" he shouted. "I need more macaronis!"

"That's nice, puddin'," called back Harley. "But I'm watching TV, so you'll just have to get 'em yourself."

Joker sighed heavily. "Y'know, I bet Janey would go get me some more macaronis. And a milkshake. I wonder if I should just give her a call and ask her to move in – I'm sure she'd relocate for me. Would you have any problem with another woman living here with me, Harley?"

"Nope," retorted Harley. "You do what you wanna, Mr. J. But I ain't getting up to get your macaronis."

Joker frowned. "Really? Are you sure? Because if Janey lived here, and we were in close proximity day after day, something might happen between us like what happened to us in Arkham. She'd be listening to me like the gorgeous, compassionate shrink she is, being all sweet and sympathetic, and I'd find myself overwhelmed by her sensitive nature, and I couldn't resist kissing her, and then one thing might lead to another…y'know, in our bed and all. Wouldn't the very thought of that just drive you nuts?"

"Nah, I'm already nuts," replied Harley. "Anyway, we just had sex recently, so you'll be good for at least six months. If she's willing to wait that long, she can be my guest."

Joker stood up and stormed into the living room. "All right, what the hell is wrong with you…" he began, but froze when he saw that she was dressed in a T-shirt which read _, Put a Dent in Crime - Vote Harvey Dent for DA.  
_

"Where did you get one of Harvey's old campaign shirts?" asked Joker.

"Red gave it to me," replied Harley. "She and Harvey had a falling out – he said he wasn't interested in her anymore, and so Red said good riddance. And she was just throwing this out, so I took it."

"Why?" asked Joker. "You already got clothes."

"Well, Red was telling me how all men are scum, as she usually does," continued Harley. "And I was telling her about how you won't stop talking about Janey, and maybe because of that, what she was saying suddenly seemed to make a lotta sense. You know, her usual rants about how I should leave you just seemed to click, and I realized that she's right. I do put up with a lotta crap as your girlfriend that no other woman in the world would ever put up with. I need to claw back some form of self-respect, and Red says the best way to do that is to try and take an interest in other men. She says once I get myself out there, I'll realize you weren't such a great catch after all. So I've been watching the news, which is covering some of Harvey's latest exploits, and I gotta say, I'm kinda a fan. His crimes are almost as genius as yours."

Joker stared at her. "H…Harvey?" he repeated, choking out the name. "You think…Harvey's crimes…are almost as genius as…"

He couldn't finish the sentence, but his shock suddenly turned to rage. "Harvey doesn't even plan his own crimes!" he snapped. "He relies on his stupid coin to make his every decision! At least I'm original!"

"Aw, but it's kinda a cute little disorder he's got," purred Harley. "You know I'm a fan of the psychologically complex, Mr. J. I'd love to have a few intensive sessions with Harvey to see if I can get to the root of his little problem. I might be able to really help him – I'm a pretty good shrink, y'know. I might be just what he needs, and a guy like him might be just what I need."

"He's got half a face, Harl," snapped Joker. "You wanna go from impossibly handsome to ugly as sin, that's up to you, but I think you know in your heart that it's a huge step down."

"Well, maybe he ain't got the most attractive outside, but he's a real sweetie inside," said Harley. "You know he kept trying to be with Red even though she didn't want to have anything to do with relationships. He's committed, and I like that in a man."

Joker took a deep breath. "Ha ha, very funny," he growled. "I see what you're doing, Harley. You think this is a way to get back at me, by making me jealous of your interest in other guys. Well, I'm not buying it, toots. And I don't buy that any other guy in the world would wanna be stuck with a useless waste of space like you for the rest of his life. You're a charity case no other guy has the heart to take in but me, and you don't realize how good you got it. But fine, go out there and throw yourself at Harvey, and then watch how he drops you faster than Bruce Wayne drops his latest girlfriend! You go make a fool of yourself and then come crawling back to me and see if I'll take you back! Spoiler alert – I won't!"

He stormed back into his study. "Ungrateful little brat," he muttered. "And I forgot the macaronis!"

He stormed back through the living room and into the kitchen, where he threw open various cupboard doors. "Harley!" he shouted. "Where are the macaronis?!"

"We're all out, puddin'!" she called back. "You'll have to go to the store!"

" _I'll_ have to go to the store?!" repeated Joker, furiously. "What do you think I keep you around for, you dumb broad?! Go get me some macaronis!"

"Sorry, Mr. J – watching TV, like I said," replied Harley, nodding at the screen. "You do your own grocery shopping."

"You know what? I _am_ gonna call Janey, swear to God!" shouted Joker. "You're out – she's in!"

He grabbed the telephone and dialed a number. "Hello?" said a voice on the other end.

"Janey, sweetheart, guess who this is?" asked Joker, beaming.

"Joker, how wonderful to hear from you!" exclaimed Janey. "How are you doing?"

"Oh, I could be better, sweets," he said. "I'm in the middle of making a scale diorama representation of my upcoming battle with Bats, and I'm all outta macaronis. Do you think you could hop on a plane from Michigan and head over here to go to the store to get me some?"

"Um…well, I'm kinda…at work," stammered Janey.

"That's ok – I can wait until you're off," he replied. "I don't need the diorama to be done tonight, just sometime this week. Visual aids help the henchmen so they know what to do in the event of a Bat attack – they're not the brightest bulbs in the shed. And shoe-box dioramas like the kind they make in elementary school are just about their intellectual speed."

"Um…Joker…I'd really like to help, but I can't just…drop everything and go to Gotham to get you some macaroni," said Janey, slowly. "Have you…asked Harley?"

"Yeah, but she's being an uncooperative brat!" snapped Joker. "I'm threatening to dump her, and I will, mark my words, if she doesn't shape up!"

"Joker, I think if you're in a relationship with someone, it's not helpful to threaten to break up with them every time something doesn't go your way," said Janey. "Relationships are all about compromise and understanding, not threats and blackmail…"

"Don't presume to tell me what my relationship's about!" interrupted Joker. "There's nothing that shows you care more than threats and blackmail! And how dare you take her side after all the insulting crap she's said about you?!"

"What…insulting crap?" asked Janey.

"Oh, fame-seeking whore, lying temptress, there were others," said Joker, waving his hand. "She hates your guts, which is why I can't understand why you're both ganging up against me! You'd think one of the women who supposedly cares about me would be happy to do one tiny little thing like go to the store and get me some macaronis! But no, even that's too much effort for today's heartless and selfish dolls! I blame Pammie and her feminist ilk – women are taught that they don't need men, so they just let them suffer in their hour of need! Well, I don't need women either, toots! I'll just go get my own macaronis – that'll show both of you!"

He was about to slam the phone down, then paused. "And thanks a million for the ice cream maker, toots – I love it," he said, sincerely. "Best gift I ever got."

"Oh…you're wel…" began Janey, but he slammed the phone down suddenly.

"Self-centered dames, the lot of you!" he growled, storming back toward his room.

"Did Janey say no?" asked Harley, lightly. "Guess she ain't the perfect doormat type who'll bend over backwards for ya, huh?"

"None of your business!" he snapped, slamming the door. He emerged a few moments later wearing his coat and muttering under his breath as he headed out the front door to the store.

Harley giggled, turning her attention back to the TV and beaming. "Step one complete," she murmured, picking up the phone. "Now for step two…"


	7. Chapter 7

"Puddin', you're back late," commented Harley as she heard the front door open.

"Store didn't have any macaronis," grumbled Joker, carrying a bag of groceries. "So naturally I had to burn it down and find another store. Which still didn't have any macaronis, so I had to rig up another set of explosives on the fly, which involved me going to another store and buying some propane and fertilizer to construct a rudimentary bomb. Of course by that time the cops and the Bat showed up, and I told 'em I wouldn't denote the bomb if they brought me some macaronis. Plus some cookies, and some milk to dunk the cookies in. Which Bats did, and then I said I wouldn't denote the bomb if he sat and shared some cookies and milk with me, and that's when he punched me in the face. So we had a bust up, I denoted the bomb and made my escape with the macaronis and cookies – the milk spilled out when I was running away, but there's no use crying over it!" he chuckled.

His hysterical laugh at his own joke was suddenly cut off when he saw Harley cuddled on the sofa with Jonathan Crane, who looked very pleased. "Who invited the nerd?" demanded Joker.

"I did," replied Harley, lightly. "Johnny and me haven't hung out with just the two of us in a while. Since college, in fact. It's nice to reconnect outside of a professional environment. In a more…personal environment," she purred, putting her feet up onto Crane's lap. "How about a massage, Professor?" she asked, smiling at him.

"Of course, my dear," he said hastily, obeying her.

"Mmm, I tell ya, there are some things you just can't be taught," sighed Harley. "And how to give a killer foot massage is one. It's a natural ability you're just born with, isn't that right, Professor?"

"If you say so, my dear," agreed Crane. "I happen to believe that most things can be taught, or I wouldn't have become a teacher, but not all things can be taught theoretically – many experiences are ones that can only be improved upon with practice rather than studying, which was my mistake for many years. One can read as many books about fear as one wants, but in order to truly change the world, action is what is required. It's one of the reasons I gave up academia – there was a field entirely bereft of action…"

"Yep, entirely bereft of action of all sorts, and you can understand why with the way you babble," interrupted Joker. "What kinda dame wants to listen to a boring old poindexter yak all day long?"

"I actually like the way Johnny's academic musings increase the tone of the whole conversation," spoke up Harley. "It's nice to have another intellectual equal around here."

Joker glared at her. "What do you mean, another intellectual equal? You saying you think I'm dumber than you?"

"Well, I am a doctor," said Harley, nodding. "I went to college and medical school. Do you think you ever earned any college diplomas or doctorates, Mr. J?"

"No!" snapped Joker. "And I'll tell you why, because I ain't a nerd! I didn't waste the prime of my life with a buncha dusty textbooks and tests! I was out there making the most of life by having fun!"

"Y'know, Johnny used to have a word for people like you," said Harley. "It was slacker, wasn't it, Johnny?"

"Oh, I had many," agreed Crane. "Slacker, failure, moron, idiot, intellectually barren, although of course that's two words…"

"I know it's two words – I can count to two!" snapped Joker. "And just because I didn't go to college, that doesn't make me a moron! Croc's a moron – I'm a genius! Y'know, even Einstein failed his second grade math class because he was a genius, and that school stuff was holding him back. We real geniuses can't be graded and labeled like you common people with your fancy degrees!"

"And what miraculous, world-changing discovery have you made with your genius, Joker?" asked Crane, sarcastically. "How to use a whoopie cushion?"

"Well, I am quite inventive with that – you can ask Harley," chuckled Joker. "I'm certainly a genius in the sack, ain't that right, baby?"

"Maybe," agreed Harley. "But I don't exactly have a lot of experience with other guys in the sack to compare it to. You could be pretty average objectively."

Joker gaped at her. "Average?" he repeated, aghast. "Are you nuts?! Do you have any idea how spoiled you are when it comes to my sexual performances?! They're a goddamn masterpiece every time!"

"Well, you're certainly not the most enthusiastic guy in the sack sometimes," said Harley, shrugging. "Bet Johnny would beat you in the enthusiasm department, wouldn't you, Johnny?"

"Yes," agreed Crane, hastily. "Yes, I would be…very, very enthusiastic if given the opportunity."

"Well, you keep massaging like that and you just might," purred Harley, grinning at him. "Ooooh, yes, Johnny…"

"All right, cut it out!" snapped Joker, shoving Crane away from Harley. "Stop pawing my dame! She ain't for you! I don't care if you've got your college days or your doctor degrees in common – Harley and I have something much more important in common!"

"Which is?" asked Crane.

"Sense of humor," retorted Joker. "And you'll never be able to satisfy that part of her, Craney, because you ain't a funny guy! I'm the funniest guy who ever lived, which is why Harley thinks I'm the greatest guy who ever lived. And she's right, by the way."

"I suppose there really isn't a way I can compete with you via your brand of clownish, goofy humor," agreed Crane.

"There, y'see? He admits it!" exclaimed Joker. "He's not as funny as me!"

"But in terms of intellectual wit, I think I might surpass you," continued Crane. "For instance, this humorous definition of a Freudian slip, which is saying one thing, but meaning your mother."

Harley burst out laughing. "I get it!" she giggled.

"I don't," snapped Joker. "And it's not a real joke if you have to explain it, moron! A joke should be obviously funny, not making you know extra stuff to get it!"

"I think there are different types of humor, Joker…" began Crane.

"No, there's just funny, and what's funny is what I say is funny!" snapped Joker. "Because I'm the Joker, and I know funny! Nobody sees a scarecrow and thinks funny, do they?"

"I always thought the scarecrow in _The Wizard of Oz_ was kinda funny," said Harley.

"He wasn't funny – he didn't have a brain!" snapped Joker. "You can't be funny without a brain!"

"You manage it," retorted Crane.

Harley giggled again. "Good one, Johnny!"

"It's not a good one!" snapped Joker. "And that's an insult, not a joke! Insults aren't funny!"

"You insult people as jokes all the time," retorted Crane. "And you seem to think they're funny."

"That's because they _are_ funny when I do 'em!" snapped Joker. "Because I'm a funny guy! You're not, so nothing you say is funny!"

"Oh, really?" asked Crane. "What if I said that the only thing super about Superman is his super-ego?"

Harley cracked up again. "I love it!" she cackled. "Because he's got superpowers, but also an overdeveloped sense of morality! It's a joke that works on two levels! Have you ever told a joke that works on two levels, Mr. J?" she asked.

"I've told a joke that works on ten levels when I shoved you outta a ten-storey building!" roared Joker. "And you felt all those levels, didn't you, Harley? You're gonna feel them again if you don't stop stroking Johnny's super-ego!"

"Do you even know what the super-ego is?" asked Crane.

"Yeah, you just said – Superman's ego," retorted Joker.

"Oh dear," sighed Crane. "Someone doesn't even have a basic knowledge of Freud."

"You would have, if you'd gone to college," said Harley. "But I guess you're just my little dunce, aren't you, Mr. J?" she cooed, kissing his cheek.

Joker shoved her away, glaring at her, and then stormed into his study without another word. Harley heard crashing as he began to throw and smash things around the room, including the diorama and the macaroni. She giggled again.

"Aw, it's working great!" she said. "Thanks for being so helpful, Johnny."

"It's a pleasure, my dear," he said, sincerely. "You must let me know if there's anything else I can do for you. Anything at all."

"Just get back to the hideout for now," said Harley. "And let Jervis know he's up next. I don't think we've reached Mr. J's breaking point yet, but we will soon. He just needs one more little push…"


	8. Chapter 8

Jervis Tetch stood outside the door to Joker and Harley's hideout with a bouquet of flowers. He took a deep breath and raised his hand to knock. "Come on, Jervis," he muttered. "You can do this."

He kept his hand poised over the door a few seconds. "Contrariwise, no, I can't," he said, pulling it away. "I can't betray Alice like this, even if I don't mean it. Even if a thing is not true, there is still meaning in it. And I do so hate to lie. Deceit is unbecoming of a gentleman, even for a good cause."

"Jervis?" said a voice. Tetch looked up to see Two-Face approaching the hideout, also holding a bouquet of flowers. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "Harley said she wanted me to show up now."

"She said she wanted me too," replied Tetch. "Perhaps she's hoping some sort of love triangle will be the straw that breaks the camel's back."

"More like a love square," commented Two-Face. "Smart girl, knowing I'd only be comfortable with multiples of two. Not that I'm comfortable about anything to do with this situation."

"Nor am I," agreed Tetch. "I'm only doing this because a lady asked me to, and it's so ungentlemanly to refuse. Why are you doing it?"

"The coin told me to," sighed Two-Face. "Plus my girlfriend said she wouldn't speak to me again if I didn't help Harley out. Sorry, not my girlfriend, because relationships are part of the patriarchy, whatever that means. She's a strong, independent woman who chooses to occasionally assert her sexuality over me."

"That sounds…delightful," said Tetch, slowly.

"Yeah, it's not usually," replied Two-Face. "I mean, it's not perfect, but it's what we got. I guess we could all say that about our romantic relationships at some point. I mean, look at Harley. She's going through all this just so J will appreciate her again. Her relationship is objectively terrible, but she's fighting to keep it going. Gotta admire that, however misguided her intentions."

"Oh, something can be objectively terrible and still mean something to the people involved," said Tetch. "The opinion of the world cannot define a relationship. Look at mine."

"You don't…have a relationship," said Two-Face, slowly. "Unless what J's been saying is true, and you and Johnny…"

"Not myself and Jonathan," interrupted Tetch. "Alice and I."

"Oh…right," said Two-Face, slowly. "So…your imaginary relationship, then."

"My dear Harvey, just because something is imaginary doesn't make it not real," retorted Tetch. "The concepts that people base their entire lives upon and hold so very dear are all imaginary. Justice, freedom, equality, that sort of thing."

"I guess that's true," agreed Two-Face.

"And if Harley's particular delusion is that her relationship is worth fighting for, one shouldn't criticize her for it," continued Tetch. "She might be right. We all have delusions worth fighting for. We can't let the opinions of the world tell us they don't matter. One's own mind influences one's own reality, and one should never dismiss another's reality. Was Wonderland real for Alice, or was Victorian England? I suppose that really only depends on what Alice perceived to be real, and not for us to judge."

"I'm happy not to judge Harley – I just don't want to be part of her crazy schemes," retorted Two-Face.

"Well, that's the reality of our current situation," sighed Tetch. "So we might as well make the best of it."

"So why aren't you knocking?" asked Two-Face, nodding at the door.

"Because I'm trying to find the courage to face reality," snapped Tetch. "It's very difficult sometimes, you know."

"I know," sighed Two-Face. "Plus I don't think J is just gonna forgive us for this. He's a really irrational guy, especially when he's jealous."

"Much like Harley, then," retorted Tetch. "And you say they're an objectively terrible couple."

"Yeah," agreed Two-Face. "In many ways, they're too similar for their own good. Personally, I believe that opposites attract."

"Yes, well, you would," said Tetch. "You see, your reality is influenced by your experiences in binary. And I don't see yourself and Pamela as complete opposites. You're both supervillains. The opposite of you would be, I don't know, Batgirl or something."

Two-Face snorted. "I like crazy redheads, but not _that_ crazy," he retorted. "Besides, I think her and Bats have a thing."

"Surely not," said Tetch. "How unprofessional would that be, to be working alongside someone and have a romantic relationship with them?"

"J and Harley," said Two-Face, nodding at the door. "Bats is almost as crazy as them, you know that. Anyway, he's a red-blooded male, and she's probably an attractive gal behind that mask. I could see it happening."

"I think he should be ashamed of himself if that's the case," said Tetch.

"Says the guy who tried to seduce his secretary," replied Two-Face.

"That's completely different!" snapped Tetch. "And I didn't try to seduce her! I tried to court her. The aim of the former is very ungentlemanly. The aim of the latter is to please her."

"Thereby pleasing yourself when her pleasure leads to yours somewhere down the line," finished Two-Face. "People are ultimately selfish, Jervis. You know that, and I know that. We might as well accept our bad sides, rather than trying to hide them. Just like I was forced to, and just like I'm forced to now for more selfish reasons."

"Well, my reasons for doing this are not selfish," retorted Tetch.

"Then you're crazy," replied Two-Face.

"I am called the Mad Hatter," said Tetch.

"True," agreed Two-Face, nodding. They both continued to just stand outside the door. "You know, we never really talk much, Jervis, just the two of us," said Two-Face, trying to procrastinate more. "What have you been up to these days?"

"I had a most wonderful tea party the other night," replied Tetch. "You're welcome to come to the next one if you'd like to hang out more. Right now it's just me and Jonathan and some mind-controlled mice and rabbits, but it would be lovely to add another human to our tea party."

"Yeah, thanks…I'll sure…consider it," said Two-Face, slowly. "And I kinda see why we don't hang out more," he muttered under his breath. "All right, good talk. Shall we get in there and do this?"

"I suppose," sighed Tetch. "But you can knock."

Two-Face shrugged and obeyed. "Bout time!" snapped Harley, throwing open the door and glaring at them. "I expected you both fifteen minutes ago!"

"We were talking," said Two-Face. "I was just saying to Jervis that the two of us don't ever talk."

"Great, I'm glad you worked on your friendship, but I got a relationship to save, so get the hell in here!" snapped Harley, grabbing him by the collar and dragging him inside. "Jervis, get in here before I have to drag you too!"

"I thought we were meant to be the ones supposedly wooing you," said Tetch, following them inside.

"You are – the moment Mr. J gets outta the bath, it's showtime," snapped Harley. "Your tardiness meant I had to distract him with the brand new Batman rubber ducks I bought him that I was saving for his birthday!"

"Harley! I cut open Robin Duck, and now he doesn't float anymore!" called Joker's voice. "And I dropped his squeaker somewhere in the bubble bath – I need you to come find it!"

"Where did you get a knife in the bathtub, puddin'?!" demanded Harley, storming off down the hall toward the bathroom.

"I keep all kindsa sharp objects in the bathtub, you know that!" called back Joker. "It makes bath-time fun and spontaneous!"

"That's why I bought you the ducks, puddin'!" shouted back Harley. "So we can have a fun and spontaneous bath-time without me getting a lacerated fanny! I only enjoy that if you give it to me deliberately, remember?!"

"Seriously, why would J believe anyone else would want her?" demanded Two-Face to Tetch.

"She should probably see a doctor for lacerations like that," said Tetch, shocked and concerned. "It could interfere with her ability to bear children."

"Why?" asked Two-Face. "She probably just has scars on her ass."

"Oh, is that what that word means here?" asked Tetch.

"Fanny?" asked Two-Face. "Yeah, why?"

"Oh, I see," said Tetch, nodding. "It means something else in Britain."

"What?" asked Two-Face.

"Just something else," he replied hastily. "Something I imagine is a lot more painful when lacerated."

"Ow! Puddin'! That's not funny when I'm trying to help you find the squeaker!" snapped Harley.

"I bet you can find something else if you feel around in there, kiddo!" Joker chuckled.

"I'm still mad at you, so no!" snapped Harley. "I ain't playing bath-time bobbing for apples!"

"What about bath-time ball pit?" he asked.

"No!" she shrieked. "Here's the damn squeaker, now put down the ducks and get outta there!"

"But I'm not done playing with my Bat ducks!" protested Joker. "They're quacking down on crime, get it? Quacking down!"

He laughed hysterically. "Oh, c'mon, that's a funny joke!" he exclaimed, when Harley didn't join in laughing. "Why aren't you laughing, Harley? Harley? Harley, where are you going?" he asked, as Harley left the bathroom and returned to the living room, rubbing a cut on her arm tenderly.

"Sorry about that, boys," she said, smiling as she sat down on the sofa and gestured for them to sit on either side of her. "Where were we?"

"Harley, you stormed out before I could finish my duck routine!" exclaimed Joker, entering the room in his bathrobe and carrying a rubber duck wearing a Batman costume. "I was just going to give you the Duck Knight monologue – he's the hero Gotham Pond deserves, but not the one it feeds right now!"

Joker froze when he saw Tetch and Two-Face on the sofa with Harley. "Oh…didn't know we had visitors…they can hear my Duck Knight monologue too!" he said.

"They're not here for you – they're here for me!" snapped Harley. "My boyfriend is acting like a child, so I invited some real men over!"

"Real men?" repeated Joker. "That one dresses up like a character from a children's book, and that one has half a face!"

"Hey, if my deformity makes me less of a man, then so does yours!" snapped Two-Face.

"No, because mine didn't result in a split personality and an inability to make decisions without the help of a coin!" retorted Joker. "Why doncha go back to your flower bed with the Weed Lady? She's used to plants, so obviously spineless, wilting things aren't a problem for her."

"You take that back!" shouted Two-Face, standing up.

"No," snapped Joker. "You fight me if you wanna, but I'll remind you that I'm wearing a robe with nothing underneath, and if we start having to wrestle, that's gonna be a pretty unpleasant experience for you!"

Two-Face glared at him. "Point," he muttered, sitting back down. "But let me just remind you that Harley called us here, because she's bored of you."

"Bored of me?" repeated Joker, incredulous. "How is that even possible? I'm endlessly entertaining! You can't get bored of laughing! And I'm like a never-ending gag factory!"

"Yeah, you make me gag, all right," retorted Harley. "Face it, Mr. J. You're old and washed up. And a young, attractive gal like me can do so much better."

"Harley, I'm really not buying that you think the Hat guy is so much better than me," retorted Joker. "He's not even on the list of top ten Batman villains anywhere."

"That doesn't matter to me, Mr. J," snapped Harley. "In fact, a guy with a strong relationship to Batman is something I'm really looking to avoid after you. Jervis puts the gal he's with first always, and that's what I want in a relationship now. Someone who's sweet and caring and kind. Not self-absorbed or self-centered, which is what I'm used to dealing with."

"Self-centered?" repeated Joker. "Everything I do is to make people laugh!"

"No, it's to make yourself laugh!" snapped Harley. "And you don't care who you hurt to accomplish that, including me! I bet you thought it would be really funny to show off how much you can walk all over me to all your little friends, including Harvey! I bet it made you feel like a real man!"

"Oh my God, is this really all still about that?" demanded Joker. "Just because I was kidding around by mentioning Janey…"

"Because you don't realize how good you got it!" shouted Harley. "And you treat my love and my devotion to you as a joke! But it's the only thing I take seriously in the world, Mr. J! And when you make fun of that, I'm gonna make you suffer serious consequences!"

"Fine, go, you ungrateful brat!" snapped Joker. "Get outta here! Go with Jervis or Harvey or Johnny or whoever the hell you want! I don't need you! And if you're gonna be spoiled and ungrateful and try to make me feel bad just for having a little fun, then you don't deserve me anyway! I'm gonna find myself a new girlfriend, a better girlfriend, one who can appreciate me for the comic genius I am!"

"Like Janey?" demanded Harley. "The girl who thinks you're really a hero at heart who's just misunderstood?"

"Yeah!" snapped Joker. "Maybe her!"

A knock came on the door at that moment. "Are you expecting more company?" asked Joker.

"No," retorted Harley. "Are you?"

He opened the door to reveal Janey standing there. "Hi, Joker," she said. "I hope you got your macaroni thing sorted – I got the first flight down to Gotham because you sounded a little stressed, and I wanted to see if I could help…"

"Great, perfect timing!" exclaimed Joker, grabbing her arm and dragging her inside. "Harley, guys, this is Janey," he said, shoving her forward. "My new girlfriend. So the old one can just take a hike, and take these losers with her."

"How dare you actually try to replace me?!" shrieked Harley.

"You actually tried to replace me!" retorted Joker.

"Yeah, but that was just to make you appreciate me more!" shrieked Harley. "And to show Red I wasn't a doormat who would just do whatever you wanted for fear of being dumped!"

"Well, now your fear's come true," said Joker, shrugging. "You're not a doormat, Harley, not anymore. You're an old, worn-out piece of junk that I don't need anymore. This here is the new face of Joker's doormat!" he exclaimed proudly, gesturing at Janey. "And ain't she just a cutie!"

Harley glared at him. "Mr. J, this ain't funny anymore," she hissed. "Why don't we both stop trying to make each other jealous, and just sit down and talk this out, like rational human beings?"

"It's too late for that, Harley," retorted Joker. "You're out – she's in. So just get lost."

"Joker, I really don't think this is the way to deal with relationship problems…" began Janey.

"Quiet, new Harley!" snapped Joker.

"But I have a duty as a psychiatrist to try and help resolve inter-relationship conflict…" began Janey, but Joker suddenly seized her around the waist and kissed her.

"I said, quiet, new Harley," he murmured, drawing away at last. "All that shrink talk really gets me in the mood, as old Harley well knows, and it would be rude to start heating things up with her still here. So why doesn't she beat it?" he asked, turning to Harley and smiling.

Harley stared at him with tears in her eyes. "I can't believe you'd actually…replace me…and…you actually want me…to leave! I can't believe you could be…so heartless! I thought…you loved me!"

"I tolerated you as long as you weren't a pain in the ass!" snapped Joker. "But you've clearly been spoiled by me, Harley, so much so that you think I'm so infatuated with you that I'll put up with any kinda childish behavior on your part! Well, you thought wrong! So who's the smart one now, college girl?"

Harley let out a sob and burst into tears, racing out of the hideout without another word. "Dammit, Joker!" shouted Tetch, racing after her. "You can't speak to someone who loves you like that! If she hurts herself, on your head be it!"

Two-Face stood up slowly, shaking his head and glaring at Joker. "Maybe you should consider taking up coin flipping, J," he muttered. "Because when you make your own decisions, they're terrible."

He too followed Harley out of the hideout, slamming the door and leaving Joker and Janey alone.


	9. Chapter 9

"Joker, we really need to talk about this," said Janey, the moment they were alone. "I'm…really flattered, but I'm not about to abandon my life in Michigan to come down here and be your girlfriend. Plus, I don't think you're thinking clearly about breaking up with Harley. I know I haven't always approved of your relationship, but ending it like this is not the way to do it…"

"I know," snapped Joker, running his fingers through his hair. "I know. I've made a mess of it, but she started it! All that flaunting other guys in my face and pretending I ain't as smart as her! I mean, I may have mentioned you occasionally to get her to do stuff for me, but that don't mean she's gotta fight fire with fire!"

"Then maybe you should have apologized," said Janey, gently. "Rather than losing your temper."

"I don't apologize!" snapped Joker. "I'm the Joker! And it was just a joke – she knew I wasn't really gonna leave her for you!"

"Did she?" asked Janey. "Because you kinda just did."

"You're right," muttered Joker. "I've taken the joke too far – but it just got outta hand so quickly! I started it, but then she escalated it, and before I knew it, it had blown up in my face!"

"You can still fix this, though," said Janey. "Go find her and apologize. Tell her you didn't mean what you said, and that you love her. She'll forgive you."

"But if I do that, then I'll be the weaker party in the relationship," retorted Joker. "The one who caved first, the submissive, the loser! That ain't my style! I'm a dominant kinda guy, a leader, who takes charge of my subordinates, including Harley! And when there's a fight, I always win it! If I surrender like this, I won't have won anything!"

"Joker, a relationship isn't like a battle with Batman," said Janey. "There are no winners and losers in it. It's a compromise between two people. And when one person behaves badly, they should be able to own up to it and admit their mistake and apologize. It doesn't make you a loser. It just means you respect the other person enough to admit when you're wrong."

"I don't want her to know that I respect her!" protested Joker. "How am I supposed to keep her in line and discipline her if she thinks I respect her? She'll just try to get away with murder! You saw how she behaved when she thought I loved her – she thought she could emotionally blackmail and manipulate me!"

"Which you did to her first, because you know she loves you," finished Janey, nodding. "You have to treat her the way you'd want her to treat you. If you treat her badly, you can't expect her to just put up with it."

"Why not? She always has before," replied Joker.

Janey sighed heavily, sitting down. "Well…say for a moment that your relationship with Harley _is_ like a battle with Batman."

"But you just said it wasn't," protested Joker.

"I changed my mind," retorted Janey. "Now when you fight Batman, don't you want him to fight you back in return?"

"Well, yeah," agreed Joker. "That's kinda our thing."

"Now imagine your fight with Batman was unequal," said Janey. "Imagine that you fought him, and he just lay there and took it, without fighting back. Wouldn't you get bored of that pretty quickly?"

"Yeah," agreed Joker, slowly. "If I didn't want any kinda resistance, I'd target the cops or something. I like the challenge of fighting Bats – he's the only opponent out there worthy of my genius."

"So try and compare your relationship with Batman to your other major relationship," continued Janey. "You and Harley have been together a long time, presumably because you thought she was the only woman out there worthy of you..."

"She ain't worthy of me!" snapped Joker. "She's just proven that! I only kept her around because she clung onto me like a leech, and it was easier to let her suck my blood than try to pry her off!"

"Ok, but she's the only woman you've put up with long-term, for one reason or another," continued Janey. "And if Batman left one day, you'd miss fighting him, wouldn't you?"

"Of course I would," said Joker. "He's my nemesis."

"Well, Harley's your girlfriend," said Janey. "And you should at least treat her as well as you treat Batman. And you treat Batman the way you want him to treat you. So you see where I'm going with this?"

"You expect me to equate Harley with Bats?" asked Joker. "The two are in no way similar! Bats is way higher on my priorities list, and in my estimation! He's the man I'm hoping kills me, while I kill him, of course! I've bought plots for both of us so we'll have neighboring graves at Gotham Cemetery!"

"You…have?" asked Janey, slowly.

"Yeah. And I've commissioned a posthumous statue of the both of us to commemorate our mutual demise. People can witness the final, glorious battle of Batman and the Joker in stone until the end of time," sighed Joker, dreamily. "I really hope it's something dramatic, like a duel, and not something lame, like food poisoning. That would be a boring statue."

"I think you should have separate feelings for Harley than Batman, but equal in strength," said Janey. "And I think you do, if you dare admit it to yourself. I know it's scary to care about someone that much. In your case, you probably worry so much about someone else killing Batman that the thought of caring for anyone else is nightmarish. But I think despite what you want to think…you do love Harley. And losing her would hurt you as much as losing Batman. And telling her that won't ruin your relationship. You've told Batman how you feel about him, haven't you?"

"Oh yeah, lots of times," agreed Joker. "He knows he's my bestest buddy in the world."

"So why can't you tell Harley how you feel about her?" asked Janey.

"Because…it's different feelings, like you said," said Joker. "Bats and me were fighting a long time before Harley came into the picture. But the moment she did…I began to feel new things, different things. Things I didn't like. I liked when it was just me and Bats – everything was so simple and straightforward. But Harley made everything complicated. She made me feel…complicated things. I know how I feel about Bats. With Harley, it's all…weird and uncertain. There's no joke in uncertainty, toots. Comedy is all about knowing what'll get a laugh, and knowing the punchline. I don't like not knowing the punchline with Harley. I don't know…how we're gonna end."

"That's something only you and she can decide," said Janey. "But if you think she's worth fighting for, don't end it now. Unless the time seems right for that particular punchline. Does it?"

Joker shook his head slowly. "No. No, there's no joke in this. I gotta get her back."

"And I think the only way you're going to do that is to apologize," said Janey, gently. "Can you do that for her, Joker? Can you admit you were wrong?"

Joker sighed heavily. "First time for everything, I guess." He smiled at her. "You're a good shrink, toots. I like that in a dame."

Janey smiled back, and took his hand. "I knew you were my hero for a reason," she said. "A hero can admit when he's wrong, and when he makes mistakes."

"Bats doesn't," retorted Joker.

"That's why he's not my hero," replied Janey. "I don't understand why he's anyone's hero, really."

"Well, people like a delusional martyr," said Joker, shrugging. "Look at Jesus. Hey, you wanna hear my Duck Knight monologue?" he asked, reaching for the rubber duck.

"I think you should probably head out after Harley before she can do something rash," said Janey. "But I'd love to hear it later. Can I have a raincheck?"

"Sure thing, toots," he said. "And when you do hear it, I think you'll agree, it's specquackular!"

Janey just looked at him. "Ok, I'll just…go find Harley," said Joker, standing up and heading out the door.


	10. Chapter 10

"Harley! Please come down from there!" called Jervis Tetch, as he and Two-Face stood by the railings of Gotham Bridge.

"No!" shouted Harley Quinn, who had managed to climb to the top of the bridge. She stood high above them, on the ledge facing the water a good hundred feet below her. "I have nothing to come down for! This is the end of Harley Quinn! I have nothing left to live for anymore, so I might as well jump!"

"I've called Pammie – she's on her way," muttered Two-Face. "Maybe she can talk some sense into her."

"I've called Jonathan – here's hoping he can do the same," said Tetch. "Harley, please come down before the police or Batman come and we all get hauled back to Arkham!"

"They ain't hauling me back anywhere!" shouted Harley. "No cop or Bat is preventing me from jumping! And if Mr. J asks, you tell him why I jumped! Not that he'll care, because he'll be off somewhere with his new girlfriend because…because he doesn't love me!" she sobbed.

"Harley, I've been rejected in love. Please believe me, it does get better!" called up Tetch.

"Does it?" asked Two-Face.

"No, of course not, but I'm trying to talk her down!" snapped Tetch.

"Harley, if Pammie were here, I'm sure she'd say you can be perfectly happy as a strong, independent woman without any kinda man in your life!" called up Two-Face.

"Maybe Red can, Harvey, but I can't!" sobbed Harley. "I ain't as strong as her! And I can't live without my Mr. J! Even if he can live without me, the ungrateful creep! But I still love him, and without him, life's not worth living!"

"Harley, there are plenty of fish in the sea, or so they tell me!" called Tetch.

"I hate fish!" sobbed Harley. "So I don't care how many fish there are in the sea!"

"Well, if you kill yourself by jumping off a bridge, you're gonna make yourself sleep with the fishes," said Two-Face. "So if you hate fish, you'll wanna reconsider that."

"Yeah…maybe," said Harley, tentatively looking over the edge. Then she shrugged. "I'll be dead on impact, so I won't even have to deal with any fish."

"Oh my God, she's really going to jump!" exclaimed Jonathan Crane, who had arrived on the scene suddenly. "Harley, please don't! There are people who love you!"

"Mr. J doesn't!" sobbed Harley. "And he's the only one that matters!"

"Harley, I won't let you kill yourself because of some man!" shrieked Poison Ivy, who suddenly pulled up in her car. "It's insulting to feminism, and it's such a waste! You have so much to live for!"

"No, I don't!" sobbed Harley. "I brought this on myself! Mr. J's right – I was acting ungrateful! I shoulda just been his doormat as usual and done everything for him! Putting up with all that is better than feeling like this!"

"Harley, I promise you, you can be a happy, strong, independent woman without any kinda man in your life!" called Ivy.

"See? I told you she'd say that!" exclaimed Two-Face. "Do I know my not-girlfriend or what?"

"And I know it hurts now, but you'll be better off in the long run!" continued Ivy, ignoring him. "It does get better!"

"I've already told her that lie," snapped Tetch. "She saw right through it."

"Harley, you're worth so much more than the clown!" called Crane. "If he doesn't appreciate that, there are others who do!"

"Johnny, now's not the time for your love confession!" snapped Ivy. "We've gotta get her down from there!"

"What do you suggest?" asked Crane. "Should one of us climb up there?"

"No, if she thinks we're going to drag her down, that might only encourage her to jump," replied Tetch. "We have to help her come to the realization that she wants to live on her own."

"But she doesn't," pointed out Two-Face.

"Hey, just because you can't change your mind without a coin flip doesn't mean someone else can't, Harvey!" snapped Ivy. "Harley! Please just try to be reasonable…"

"I ain't reasonable!" sobbed Harley. "I'm in mad love!"

"Harley, you can't do this to your friends and the people who care about you!" shouted Crane. "We're all here because we don't want you to do this! There is something worth living for, and your friends will help you find it!"

"I'm sorry, Johnny!" replied Harley. "But I have to do what I feel is right! And this feels right to me!"

"Aw, Christ, not what we need!" hissed Two-Face, as they suddenly heard the noise of sirens and saw the flashing lights of police cars approaching the bridge.

The police cars screeched to a halt, and several policemen got out of them, staring up at the situation on the top of the bridge and looking nervously at the group of supercriminals below, while several more pulled out searchlights and lit them, shining them up at Harley. "Harleen Quinzel, this is the police!" shouted one through a megaphone. "Come down at once, and the law will be merciful!"

"Geez, you got a great way of talking people outta committing suicide!" snapped Two-Face. "What do the people of Gotham pay your salary for?"

"That's it – I'm going up there to get her!" snapped Ivy, grabbing ahold of the handholds which led to the top of the bridge. "Harley, stay right there!" she called. "Don't make a scene for the cops – that's what they want!"

"Harley, you little idiot!" shouted a voice. "Look what you've done!"

Everyone turned to see that the Joker had just arrived on the scene. He snatched the megaphone out of the hands of the police officer and raised it to his own lips. "Harley, you useless, attention-seeking waste of space, stop wasting everyone's time and get the hell down here!"

"Mr. J?" gasped Harley, hopefully. Then she frowned. "No!" she shouted, stamping her feet. "I ain't coming down, no matter how you beg me! This is the end, Mr. J, and it's all your fault!"

"It's not the end until I say it's the end, you dumb blonde!" said Joker.

"You _did_ say it was the end!" shrieked Harley. "You kicked me out and replaced me!"

"Only because you baited me!" shouted Joker. "But I shouldn't have taken the bait! It's not meant to end like this, Harley, and I won't let you end it like this! There's no joke in suicide, and I'm not gonna let you waste yourself on an unfunny death! Now get your worthless ass down here and stop being a drama queen!"

"No!" shrieked Harley. "You deserve this for the way you've treated me, Mr. J! Maybe you'll finally miss me when I'm gone! Maybe then you'll realize how great you had it!"

"Maybe I will, but you won't be there to see it!" snapped Joker. "What's the point of teaching someone a lesson if you ain't around to watch them suffer? It's a waste of pain, and I hate wasting pain! If you just think about this for a moment, you'll realize how stupid you're being!"

"I ain't stupid!" shrieked Harley. "I won't let you think that about me, when I know everyone else already thinks it! If you came here to encourage me to jump, Mr. J, you're doing a great job!"

"So go ahead and do it, if you got the guts!" snapped Joker. "Quit drawing it out! I just think you like the attention and you ain't really serious about killing yourself! Put up or shut up, Harley!"

"Joker, that's not helping!" shouted Crane, grabbing the megaphone away from him. "Why don't you tell her something that will actually encourage her to come down?! That you love her and want her back!"

"What are you, nuts?" demanded Joker. "I ain't announcing that over a megaphone to half of Gotham!" he said, gesturing around to the crowd that had gathered on the bridge. "Anyway, talking never helps – violence, as usual, is the only answer. I'm gonna go up there and drag her down by her pigtails!" he growled. "Out of my way, Weed Lady!" he snapped, shoving Ivy off the handholds.

"You son of a bitch!" shouted Ivy. "If she jumps, you better jump too, because if you come back down here without her, I'll kill you!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm real scared," muttered Joker, climbing up to the top of the bridge. Harley was still standing on the ledge, tears trickling down her cheeks as she sniffled, looking down into the water below.

"Harley!" snapped Joker, pulling himself up onto the ledge with her. "Come down before I have to drag you down!"

"Why?" demanded Harley, rounding on him angrily. "So I can put up with more of your crap? So I can tolerate you, the way you tolerated me?"

"Harley, I was angry, and you put me in an uncomfortable position in front of the guys!" snapped Joker. "Of course I was going to say and do something rash!"

"So it's my fault you dumped me?" demanded Harley.

"Well…yeah!" he snapped. "If you had just caved as usual, none of this would have happened!"

"You just don't get it, do you, creep?" she demanded. "You don't get why I started trying to make you jealous?"

"Of course I do!" he snapped. "I ain't an idiot! You think I don't appreciate you because I ain't fawning over you every minute of every day! You think…because I don't worship you the way you worship me, that my feelings for you ain't as deep as your feelings for me!"

"Well, they aren't!" snapped Harley. "You don't feel anything more for me than you do for anyone else! I ain't special to you, if you can replace me just like that with Janey!"

"Don't you dare tell me how I feel!" snapped Joker. "I won't have you making assumptions about me, you little brat! And if those are the kinda assumptions you make, you're a crap shrink who doesn't know me as well as you think!"

"So you're saying you do feel deeply about me?" asked Harley. "That you do love me?"

"I ain't saying nothing of the kind!" snapped Joker. "I'm just saying you need to stop assuming things about the way I feel about you! How can you possibly know when I don't even know myself? But I do know one thing – I want you around. If you jumped…I'd miss you. And not even Janey could fill the hole you left. She ain't as crazy about me as you are, not by a long shot, which is why she can't replace you. You're unique and special, and…one of a kind. That's why you're my Harley Quinn. You're the only woman in the world who could be completely crazy for a clown like me. And you don't have the right to take my Harley Quinn away from me over some stupid bust-up. So come down, come back to the hideout, and we'll talk."

Harley sniffed again. "Talk," she murmured. "Talking never does any good. You talked to me a lot back at the beginning, told me all about your pain…told me I was the only one who could understand it. I don't believe all your talk anymore, Mr. J. I think you can lie to people just as easily as tell them the truth – I think you probably don't know one from the other sometimes. I'm sick of talking. It doesn't make things better – it just makes things worse when you pile lie on top of lie. You could tell me you love me, and I wouldn't even know if that was true anymore. You could just be saying it to get me to come down, so you can walk all over me as usual. You're a smart, manipulative guy like that."

She took a step toward the edge. "I'm sorry I gotta do this, but I just don't see any other way," she whispered. "I can't trust you again, despite all your talk. You're the Joker, after all – you could say anything and not mean it. You could say you love me, and it could all be a joke."

"Harley, you step away from the edge right now!" snapped Joker.

"Goodbye, Mr. J," she whispered. "I'll always love you."

"Harley…Harley, don't you dare…Harley!" shouted Joker, as she stepped backward and plummeted off the bridge. And without thinking, without wasting a moment, Joker jumped right after her.

There were screams from below as the crowd watched them plummet together…suddenly replaced with sighs of relief when a familiar figure in black swung across the bridge, catching them before they hit the water. The crowd rushed to the railing to see Batman pulling them up with his grappling hook. He pulled himself onto the bridge and put down Joker, who had Harley clutched tightly and protectively in his arms, his body curled around her to shield her from the impact. Harley's eyes opened when she realized she hadn't hit the water, and she stared up in astonishment at Joker.

"Mr. J?" she whispered, incredulous.

"What?" he muttered.

"You…you jumped after me," she murmured. "We…we both coulda been killed, but you…jumped after me, and caught me, and...protected me. You wanted to…to sacrifice your life for mine."

"Well…no, I didn't really think about that," said Joker, hastily. "I didn't really think about anything – I mean, I knew Batsy was gonna save us before we hit the water – he's always around when you need him!" he said, beaming at Batman. "Like the great pal he is!"

"Oh, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, throwing her arms around his neck and climbing on top of him to cover him with kisses. "You do love me!"

"Get…offa me!" gasped Joker, trying to pry her away. "Jesus, you dumb broad, can't a guy have time to recover from a near-death experience without some greedy dame pawing all over him?!"

"Say what you wanna about me, Mr. J, I know the truth!" exclaimed Harley, relentless in her kisses. "You love me! You've proved it by your actions in front of all of Gotham, and Batsy! See that, Bats?" she said, smiling triumphantly at him. "He loves me! I told you so! Who's the World's Greatest Detective now?"

"Still me," muttered Batman.

"Nah, you can't see that he loves me, and it's right in front of your pointy nose!" retorted Harley. "Red, he loves me! I told you he loves me!"

"Yeah, if only he could show that by treating you decently, rather than driving you to attempted suicide and changing his mind at the last minute," sighed Ivy.

"Well, why fix what ain't broken?" asked Harley, smiling. "And I ain't broken, thanks to Mr. J jumping after me!"

"No, I was the one who saved both of your lives," said Batman. "Without me, you would have both plummeted to your death."

"At least we would have died together!" purred Harley. "And ain't that just the most romantic death in the world, Mr. J?"

"I hope not, because that's what I've got planned for Bats and me!" chuckled Joker. "Don't want people talking!"

"Well, they won't after you've proved your love for me like this," sighed Harley. "Where are all the reporters?" she asked, looking around. "This is front page news stuff!"

"Actually, suicide attempts aren't front page news in Gotham," said Batman. "Not even for supercriminals. Anyway, I suspect the reporters are off covering the mayoral debates. They're taking place in City Hall tonight."

"Are they?" asked Joker, interested. He grinned at Harley. "Fancy a little make-up murder to get us in the mood, Harley girl?"

"Politician murder? You bet!" exclaimed Harley. "That's my favorite!"

"Nobody is murdering anyone!" snapped Batman. "I'm here, and the police are here, and we're all taking you back to Arkham!"

"Okay, Bats," sighed Joker. He shared a grin with Harley. "But the night is still young, after all."


	11. Chapter 11

"God, Batsy is such a sap!" chuckled Joker to himself as the door to the Arkham cell block slammed shut, leaving the inmates alone in their separate cells. "He thinks just because he's locked us up in here, those politicians are all safe and sound out there!"

"Well, aren't they?" asked Two-Face.

Joker giggled. "Oh, ye of little faith!" he said. "You actually think I'd go anywhere without a set of explosives handy? You don't know me very well, Harvey."

Joker reached into his pocket and produced the rubber Batman duck. "It's a duck," said Ivy, glaring at it.

"Not just any duck!" chuckled Joker. "The Duck Knight! Protecting and defending Gotham Pond from mallard-ies of all kinds! It may be highly dangerous, but he doesn't give a duck! Now let's listen to him quack!"

He put a finger to his lips, and then pressed the squeaker inside the duck, which gave a pitiful squeal, followed by a steady ticking sound. Joker put the duck on the ground and then backed away, putting his fingers in his ears. "Get ready, guys – this is gonna be specquackular!"

The duck suddenly exploded in a huge blast, taking out the bars on the cell and most the section of wall that had been repaired. "Why does nobody laugh at that specquackular joke?" sighed Joker, removing his fingers from his ears and striding out of the cell.

"I thought it was funny, puddin'," purred Harley, joining him since the explosion had also taken out part of her cell. "But I'm gonna need to buy you a new Batman duck now."

"Don't bother – I still have the rest of the Bat-duck family to mutilate," replied Joker. "And speaking of mutilation, let's get to those politicians! We should drop Janey off at the airport first though – she should probably be outta town before she can see what we're gonna do to 'em, or she might stop thinking of me as being all heroic and all."

"Hey, you could bust us all out before you go!" snapped Ivy.

"I could," agreed Joker. "But I'm all outta ducks. Catch you later, losers!" he chuckled, putting his arm around Harley as they strode out of the asylum to freedom.

"I hate him," muttered Ivy, glaring after them.

"Well, at least Harley's happy again," sighed Crane. "I suppose we can be grateful for that."

"For now," agreed Ivy. "Until that creep pulls another lame joke he thinks is funny on her. Then she's gonna come crying to me, as usual. Or let him walk all over her again, like the doormat she is."

Ivy's predictions were very likely to come true at some point, but she didn't see Harley again for a few weeks, and that was purely by accident. Ivy was making a rather large withdrawal from the First National Bank of Gotham – not her own money, of course. But she needed enough to afford a ticket to the rainforest in order to sabotage its latest massacre, and she was all out of savings.

She had asked a nearby tree to use its roots to blast its way into the bank's vault, and she strode inside, ignoring the screams of the terrified employees who ran out of the gaping hole.

"Red! You ruined Mr. J's act by releasing the hostages!" snapped a familiar voice. Ivy saw that Harley and Joker were already in the vault, surrounded by a few smiling corpses.

"Yeah, that routine wasn't finished!" snapped Joker. "Some of them still had to die laughing!"

"Yeah, I'm not sorry," retorted Ivy. "I hope you haven't cleaned this place out yet – I need enough for a plane ticket."

"Nah, we were doing the routine first, and then robbing the joint," said Joker. "I guess we'd better get to it now, before you can grab all the good stuff. Harley, get to work," he said, throwing a bag at her.

"Aw, I would, puddin'," said Harley, rubbing her back. "But my back still hurts from that jump – I think you caught me kinda funny."

"Your back woulda been broken without me, so don't blame me for it hurting now!" snapped Joker. "Anyway, it was your stupid idea to jump!"

"Yeah, and it was your bravery that rescued me," purred Harley. "Janey's right – you're kinda heroic when you wanna be," she said, kissing his cheek. "And my savior can collect the loot while I rest up a little, huh?"

"Fine," muttered Joker, picking up the bag and opening up the safety deposits boxes to empty them of their contents.

Harley sat down, popping a piece of bubblegum into her mouth while Ivy started emptying the vault from the other side. "Oh, puddin', I like that!" Harley exclaimed, as Joker removed a diamond tiara from one of the boxes. "Can I keep it?"

"It looks pretty valuable, Harl – probably worth a good few hundred grand," said Joker, examining it.

"But it's shiny and pretty and I want it," said Harley, sticking out her bottom lip.

Joker sighed heavily, looking around at the rest of the loot. "Fine," he said, holding it out to her.

"I can't get over there and get it – bad back, remember?" said Harley. "Can't ya bring it to me? Pretty please?"

Joker sighed again, and stormed over to her, placing it onto her head and then returning to robbing the vault. "Oooh, I like that necklace too!" exclaimed Harley as he withdrew a ruby necklace.

"You already got the tiara, you greedy brat!" snapped Joker. "This is getting sold!"

Harley stuck out her bottom lip again. "Pretty please?" she repeated, batting her eyes at him as she blew out a bubble of gum. It popped, and Joker growled, tossing the necklace at her.

"Fine," he repeated. "Gonna make me go bankrupt with all your goddamn gifts," he muttered to himself, returning to stuffing the bag with loot.

"And that bracelet too," added Harley, nodding.

Joker tossed it at her without a word, muttering under his breath about greedy, pushy dames running him out of house and home. Harley admired her new bits of jewelry, and then began trying to fix her back. "Puddin'!" she called, twisting around. "Think you can come over here and give me a hand cracking my back?"

"Kinda busy here, Harley!" snapped Joker.

"Aw, but you love breaking spines!" said Harley. "C'mon, a quick snap, for your Harley girl?"

Joker growled, throwing down the bag. "I'm doing this for the bone breaking, not for you," he said, storming over to her and bracing his arms against her back.

"Oh…yeah, that's it!" exclaimed Harley, as Ivy heard a firm crack. "Oooh, it's still a little tender, just massage it right there! Oh yeah. Oh, oh, oh, it's so good! Hang on, let me change position…"

Ivy continued to hear Harley's moans and groans of pleasure, and didn't really want to know what was going on on the other side of the vault, although knowing the clowns, it could very well be what it sounded like.

She closed up her bag of loot and headed for the exit with Harley still moaning. Ivy risked a glance at them, and was relieved to see that they weren't, in fact, having sex – Harley was lying face-down on the ground, while Joker walked firmly and repeatedly over her back. Harley was clearly loving it, and smiled up at Ivy. "Have a good trip, Red – call me when you're back!"

"Yeah, I will," said Ivy. "See you around, Harley."

Harley giggled as a thought suddenly struck her. "What's so funny, you dumb blonde?" demanded Joker.

"Nothing, it's just…you're literally walking all over me, Mr. J!" giggled Harley.

Joker laughed too. "Yeah, guess I am!" he agreed, grinding a heel into her spine, which made her groan loudly. "That's my good little doormat!" he chuckled.

Harley smiled to herself, adjusting her tiara as waves of pleasure cascaded through her body. "Doormat, my ass," she muttered.

 **The End**


End file.
